THIS IS AN EMERGENCY BROADCAST TO ALL MEN 5’7” AND BELOW… SHORT KING SPRING HAS OFFICIALLY COMMENCED!! REPORT TO YOUR RESPECTIVE DUTY STATION AND PREPARE FOR DEPLOYMENT!
It was around this time last year that I made my first official announcement for Spring King Spring, as the de facto/self proclaimed leader of the Short Kings. You may or may not remember the viral post, which was eventually taken down by enemies of the movement. After some talks with the higher ups within the company, OneTake Media now recognizes St. Patrick’s Day weekend as the official start of Short King Spring, and it will go until the first week of June- when Tall Guy Week kicks off (6/2 - 6/7 this year).
As leader of this movement, it is my responsibility to guide my people and instruct them on how to properly celebrate their season. As a short man, you can commemorate SKS by taking initiative on these three things: hitting the gym, hitting the grocery store, and hitting the town. Let me break it down for y’all.
During this year’s SKS, I want to see all of the gyms packed with short dudes. Planet Fitness, CRUNCH, In-Shape… I don’t care where you go, I would like it to look like Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory inside, except all the Oompa Loompas are on TRT. Once we take over the gyms, the next important part of the process is to actually start lifting. But here’s the twist: you should only focus on the muscle groups that actually matter. Obviously, us short men can’t get any taller.. So we must focus on getting WIDER. Basically, for the next month or so, you must only work out your shoulders, lats, and quads. Boom! That’s your daily workout rotation right there. Only focusing on these muscle groups will make you look like an absolute unit, especially as a short man. To all the not short people out there, if you start seeing long lines for the Lat Pulldown or Leg Press at your local gym… mind your business please.
Great example of an ideal physique for a short dude (See the Right Side - the shorter Wolverine)
So let’s just say you’ve finished supersetting your squats and your ready to wrap up your gym session. You’ve got a nasty pump, and you even took a few pictures of yourself in the locker room to share the gun show with your Snapchat followers. What do you do now? Well, now you need to feed the beast. Remember, the goal is to get WIDER. Hit up your local Safeway and buy as many packs of Flat Iron Steak, 80/20 ground beef, and chicken breast as you can. Think about the anabolic value here and cut everything else out of your diet for the next month.. We need to become UNITS.
Another good depiction of some short jacked gym bros - The Tren Twins
If you’ve made it this far, then you’ve only got one last step to follow in order to properly celebrate your SKS. After a long week of only hitting shoulder press, dumbbell rows, and leg curls, it’s time to enjoy the fruits of your labor. In other words, it’s time to hit the town. Put on your freshest fit and hit the Marina (or wherever it’s popping in your local town), we’re on the hunt for some Tall Queens. To a novice short king (or someone who just joined the movement), it may seem like a strange/intimidating idea to approach a woman who is twice your height. But you must trust the process here. Besides, what sounds more masculine to you, as a short man? Rizzing up a small girl who is just as short/if not shorter than you? Or climbing and conquering a giant tree of a woman!? The choice is yours my fellow short kings.
So, now you’ve got your 3 important steps to follow. If you stick to these guidelines, you should be okay. And depending on how you perform during the next month or so, you might even rank up within this movement.
Here are some other possible things to consider, during this Short King Spring. First of all, it’s important to show love to your other Short Kings, after all this is a brotherhood. If you see your 5’6 homie post a gym pic of himself on his IG story, shoot him a comment or something like that.. “Looking good King 👑”.. Or “Quads are Insane 👌” are some decent examples. Second of all, as much as it helps to surround yourself with fellow short dudes during this time, it’s important to have a Tall Guy buddy as well. The tall guy, short king dynamic is an excellent combo, especially when you're hitting the town. More about this concept here, in one of my previous blogs https://onetakemedia.com/special-report-short-king-tall-guy-duo-of-the-month/ This last point that I make might deserve its own separate blog for itself. If you’re having difficulty trying to talk to the tall queens, then you might want to re-direct your attention to the TORTAS. I’m talking like 5’3” 180-200 lbs of pure love. I’m not sure if there has ever been relations between the Torta Community and the Short King Community in the past.. But I will say this.. Even if you’re not into big girls. find yourself a Gym TORTA while you can. Consider it a long term investment. Underneath all that panza, could be a potential baddie… Trust.. More research on this topic to come.
Producer Reese has been a long term advocate of Torta Love..
Now that Short King Spring has been officially announced, I must tend to my other duties as leader of this movement. There have been rumors of a reprised “Short King of the Month” or even a possible Short King Meet Up.. TBD… For now, God Bless this Country and God Bless the Short Kings,
Producer Reese
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